How to Say No: What I Learned from a True Crime Podcast

I started listening to the true crime podcast My Favorite Murder when I moved to the Bay Area and lost all sense of control.

I realize now that I’d been suffering from extreme anxiety. But at the time, coming home and repetitively checking behind the curtains, fiddling with the door to make sure it was locked, and sitting in a ball in the shower as boiling water pelted me from above seemed normal. I’d been a voracious reader my entire life, but suddenly I couldn’t focus on more than two sentences before the words blurred and my mind skipped like a record needle. Sometimes I’d ‘come to’ during my hour-long commute, only to realize there had been nothing but crackling static on the radio. I’d continuously hit the back arrow on my favorite podcast Death, Sex & Money because I couldn’t concentrate long enough to follow the interview.

I was sealed in a trance, going through the motions. Wake up. Drive to work. Teach 9-5. Work in the restaurant 6-11. Come home. Check for intruders. Eat frozen Trader Joe's meal. Stand in the shower until my skin turned pink. Lay in bed until 6 am. Repeat.

I’m not sure where or how I found the My Favorite Murder podcast. At first, I’d skip through their 45-minute conversations at the beginning, focusing only on the research of gruesome murders and the women who lost their lives at the hands of psychopaths. Oddly, I was soothed by listening to the tragedies of others who had suffered worse. It picked me up by the back of my neck and carried me through the rest of that year. I grew accustomed to Karen and Georgia’s personalities. I soaked up their anecdotes, their truths, their history. They told me stories of past trauma with eating disorders, mental illness, and family members with Alzheimer's. Their bold banter poured from the speakers of my Hyundai and validated everything I’d been through.

…

“Fuck politeness.”

Two words that once made me clutch my pearls like a proper lady on Sunday morning. Over the years, Karen and Georgia have coined many phrases, but "Fuck Politeness" is the one that resonates most with me. I’d never considered such an idea. Growing up, my parents drilled two rules into our heads:

"Use your brain.”

"Be polite.”

Whenever we got out of the car for a sleepover or event, one of them would give us that serious parent look. We’d robotically repeat the phrases and run off. “Be polite” was ingrained in me like the lyrics to American Pie. I didn’t dare question another adult’s authority. I smiled, laughed, and complied—even when it made me uncomfortable.

Years later, as an adult, I still panic when I sense I’m making someone uncomfortable by standing up for myself. I feel bad rejecting someone, not just because I’m in a relationship, but because I simply don’t want to give my number out.

…

Two years ago, I was waiting for a train from San Diego to LA. A security ticket guard approached me, asking about my astrology sign, complimenting me, and eventually asking for my number. I wasn’t interested, but I didn’t want to be rude. When I declined, he said we could just be friends. When the train arrived, he stopped me from boarding, telling me it wasn’t mine yet, and continued pressing for my attention. Nervously, I gave in, allowing him to put his number in my phone. For weeks, he texted—alternating between compliments and insults. I finally blocked him, but it left me questioning why I hadn’t been more assertive in the first place.

The thing is… using your brain and being polite don’t always go hand in hand. Sometimes, using your brain means telling someone to back off. Other times, it’s about assessing a situation for safety. Karen and Georgia helped me see how easily women fall into dangerous situations because we’re taught to be polite. The women they talk about on their podcast could have been me, had I been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

In their book Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered, they write:

“Little girls are taught to be polite, to smile pretty and sit up straight, to be nice and accommodating. And then those little girls turn into grown-ass women who’ve spent years being polite to the detriment of their own wants, needs, and safety… Fuck politeness.”

It’s about balance. We should teach our children to be polite, but also to listen to that gut feeling, to stand up for themselves, and to protect their boundaries. Confidence and self-respect are just as important as kindness.

…

Update

Since my spiritual awakening, I’ve become more sensitive to the content I consume, and true crime podcasts no longer align with my energy. That said, I learned valuable lessons from my time with My Favorite Murder. They taught me the importance of standing up for myself and recognizing when being polite can be dangerous. Though true crime remains controversial, it sparked vital conversations about safety and self-respect that I’ll carry with me always.