These Are the Friendships of Our Lives
Last week, I found myself clinking glasses of wine with a newer friend, and we began reflecting on the friendships that have shaped our lives. As we talked, it hit me: the days of pranks in university dorm rooms and the ease of always having a friend nearby are long gone.
I remember my mom staring at her wedding photos with a wistful smile, pointing out her bridesmaids and saying, “I haven’t seen them in years.” I’d always think, that’ll never happen to me. I had a vision of living in a mansion with my best friends, each of us with our own floor, sharing a kitchen and backyard, living in harmony for the rest of our lives.
But as life moves on, I’ve learned that friendships ebb and flow. We grow up, start families, dive into our careers, or cherish the quiet of living alone with a cat. The dream of constant, unchanging friendship fades, and I’ve come to understand how different seasons of life bring different kinds of connections.
…
I’ve been living in Spain for over three years now, and each summer, I watch a close friend move back home. With every departure, my circle of friendships feels a little more depleted, and the passing years add a new weight to these relationships. When you live abroad, friends take on a deeper, almost familial role. They’re the ones who take care of you when you’re sick, dance with you until sunrise on a Saturday night, and join you for Netflix marathons on sleepy Sundays. They become your family—your sisters, brothers, mothers, and fathers. And yet, with time zones and long-haul flights, friends from home start to feel farther away, even if they haven’t moved.
“I was wrong about you at first,” my new friend admitted that night. “I thought you were just this blonde from California, a bit quiet around the others.”
It got me thinking about the different roles we take on in friendships, depending on the person or group we’re with. Sometimes I’m shy and reserved, and other times I’m the loud, silly one. Some friendships build slowly, like waiting for a seed to grow, while others bloom instantly over cheap burritos and margaritas.
As we get older, making these kinds of connections takes more effort. Gone are the days of making best friends in second grade by simply sharing the same favorite color. When I moved to the Bay Area, I joined Bumble Friends, hoping to find like-minded women after leaving my closest friends behind. That didn’t quite go as planned. I ended up at what I thought was a party, only to realize it was a Mary Kay sales pitch. I was so focused on the chocolates and champagne flutes that I missed the warning signs—the lip-plumping glosses, the fake eyelashes, and the pink-car-emblazoned “Welcome to Mary Kay!” banner. I ran out of there before I could be handed a “free sample” bag and vowed to be a bit more cautious in my friend search.
In Madrid, though, making friends has been surprisingly easier. We’re all alone here, so there’s a sense of mutual understanding. We take deep breaths, step out on a ledge, and ask, “Will you be my friend?”
Back home, people’s social circles are often set, and they’re not actively looking for new connections. But here, expats’ groups are always shifting, expanding, and contracting.
…
Which brings me to the types of friends we collect along the way. As I’ve navigated different stages of life, I’ve noticed that my friendships have fallen into certain categories:
The Coffee Date Friend
You don’t see each other very often, but when you do, it’s as if no time has passed. You catch up on work, lovers, family, and share a cheesecake over cappuccinos. The conversation flows easily, and hours pass before you realize you’re late for another commitment. You split the bill, hug goodbye, and leave feeling lighter and recharged.
The Connections Friend
She knows everyone—from shady bar bouncers to the hiring manager at your dream company. You turn to her for a night out, job leads, or even just to get the number of that cute friend she introduced you to once. She’s the life of the party but also the friend who remembers your birthday and tags you in memes that make her think of you. Her energy is contagious, and her empathy is inspiring.
The Favor Vortex Friend
This friend always needs a small favor—whether it’s picking up tampons or editing her resume. You’re happy to help, but over time, it leaves you feeling emotionally drained. She’s not as present when you need support, and she tends to gossip about others, making you wonder what she says about you. You keep her around because, well, it’s nice to have someone to hang out with, even if it’s complicated.
The Childhood Friend
She’s been there since braces, acne, and the days when staying up past 11 p.m. was rebellious. Even though you live on opposite sides of the country or the world, you know she’s always there for you. She’s seen you at your best and your worst and will still call you out if you’re dating someone you shouldn’t be. No matter how much time has passed, she knows the real you.
The Cumulonimbus Friend
She’s always got a dark cloud over her head. Whether she’s complaining about her relationship or being vegan, she never seems to catch a break. While she can be exhausting at times, you stick around because underneath it all, she’s a good person. But you’ve learned to tread lightly around her emotional storms.
The Work Friend
She’s your confidante in the office. You bond over mutual frustrations with coworkers, and she’s the one who covers for you when you’re running late. You’ve never met outside of work, but at the office, she’s your person. She brings you coffees, helps you write passive-aggressive notes, and offers a much-needed laugh on stressful days.
The Bat-Shit-Crazy Friend
Her stories are the stuff of legend—wild trips, impulsive decisions, and adventures you can barely believe. You live for her tales but are also grateful for your own more predictable life. Sometimes you envy her freedom, but mostly you appreciate the stability of your own world.
The New Friend
Every hangout feels like a first date. You’re still trying to “seal the deal” on this friendship, saying yes to every invitation and over-preparing for her visits. Slowly but surely, you’re beginning to open up, revealing parts of yourself that you’ve kept hidden. And in those moments, you start to feel the warmth of a real connection growing.
…
At the end of the day, these are the friendships of our lives—the ones that shape who we are, no matter how much they change over time. I’ve been every kind of friend at some point or another.
So the question I leave you with is: Which kind of friend are you?
